You're Gone. When Will I Admit It?

*Written about the same friend I 
wrote about in "My Cat's in the Cradle"*

(*TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-INJURY AND SUICIDE*)

In my mind’s eye, I see her. Air flowing in and out of her lungs in quick, emotional breaths. Heart pounding. Eyes welling up with tears. Fingers feverishly floating over the keyboard. The words I never wanted to read being typed into a message. She clicks “Send,” and the email shoots out across the internet faster than the speed of light, arriving in my inbox within moments.

Later – how much later, I don’t know – I see the email. “I want to die,” she says. I keep reading, my heart racing. “I feel so hopeless.” My heart stops. It breaks, shatters like a porcelain plate run over by a steamroller. “I promise I won’t do anything.” As my gaze rests on those last six words, I know deep within me – she’s lying. And it’s too late.

Even though I know deep within me that she’s gone, I reply anyway. I tell her that I love her, that she’s like a sister to me. I tell her that there’s hope. That this will pass. I email her every week for almost a year, until the day I receive that dreaded message telling me that the email could not be sent. I cry. I knew it. I can’t deny it anymore. I have to grieve now.

I can see her death – her suicide – clearly. I can see it as clearly as if I’d been there. I can see her trembling hand clutching the sharp blade. Holding it to her wrist. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. Applying pressure and piercing her skin. One swift motion and she has carved a cut deeper than she has ever made before. Her life slipping away, disappearing like a shadow fading into darkness when lights go out, as she bleeds on the floor. She is alone.

She shouldn’t have been alone. I should’ve been there. But I couldn’t be. The distance… I was… Too far away… Hours away… distance… Too far. I… I wish I’d been there.

Why couldn’t she see that she wasn’t alone? I know that I wasn’t there physically and that we had limited communication, but I was still there for her! I wasn’t there to keep her from dying. I wasn’t there to see her die. But I was there. And I still witnessed her death. I saw it all.

Why? Why, my sister? Why did you have to give up? You were always stronger than that. You were the one who helped me be stronger than that.

I can’t watch. I can’t keep seeing you die. Yes, Death comes for all. But you invited him in. Why? Why? I watch him steal your soul then disappear. In my mind, I hold you as your spirit separates from your body.

I wish I could stop it from happening. I wish I could see you smile again. My hyper kitty cat screaming, “I love Family Force 5!” at a Switchfoot concert. But you’re gone. When will I finally admit it? You’re dead and I’ll never see you again.